My closest friend told me today (via email) that she is pregnant. This should be a joyous time right? I should jump for joy for her right? I should start planning the shower right?
I can't.
I am not overjoyed.
I am not excited.
I am quite frankly disgusted with it.
Single, 35, 2 kids she can't afford, smokes like a train, drinks like a fish, eats nothing that is good for her, way too heavy, emotionally a mess, etc. Yeah, I should be excited.
I have wanted my only child daughter to have a sibling nearly her whole life. Being an only child sucks. The day she turned 9 months old my sweet neighbor and mother of her own 4 daughters told me it was time to start trying again. And I did. For over 20 years I did. I have lost more babies through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and still birth than any woman should ever have to experience. I have been poked, prodded, operated on, drugged, injected, charted, manipulated, etc for years. I wanted a house full of children. One unlike my own house growing up.
In the end, my husband and I have been blessed with the oportunity to not only be parents in a very special way, I believe whole heartedly that G-d placed me in his life and thus his children's for just this purpose.
I still can't jump for joy for her. I just can't. It will probably cost me her friendship, but I have finally gotten to a place I was okay with the circumstances. Almost. I will not lose footing over her irresponsibility. It just isn't worth it.
December 1, 2008
Overwhelmingly conflicted
Posted by Leigh at 8:46 PM
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4 comments:
It is so exciting to be able to get to know you! Don't you find there is something healing in the telling of your life?
I'm glad that you've been blessed with more children through your husband...and they are even more blessed to have you. :-)
Hmm...maybe there was even a reason behind your being our closest neighbor. See, you might have been an only child in YOUR house, but when you were our at our house you became just another sister. Don't you remember the times we tormented you while playing barbies? Being stupid in our pool? Riding the bus to school together, etc. See, we treated you just like you were related! :)
I remember....why do you think I was a fixture there as often as your parents would let me be?
I thought Holly was crazy for telling me to start making another baby when Nicole was 9 months old...but I of course followed her advice, or attempted to!
HI. It's nice seeing that someone else has lived with an only child for reasons beyond what others think. Sometimes life has other plans for us. I really want to thank you for your kind comments for me. It meant more than you will know. -also thought you might want to know that I don't want that blog anymore, but I do want a blog for therapeutic reasons. I'll bookmark your page so I can link when I create a new blog.
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