I had been so diligent in blogging, and then the holidays struck....and then the New Year....and then two birthdays on the same day...and then a week away from the kids with just my husand! And don't even get me started on work! Oh, and throw a cold and sinus infection into it...well, time just slipped away.
Ack.
I have done a lot of contemplation recently. I look back on my life and wonder how in the world I came to be the person I am at this time in my life.
My childhood was odd. It seemed everyone had a normal life except me. Everyone had normal parents, normal siblings, everyone else was just normal. I didn't fit in anywhere. No matter how I tried, I just didn't fit. So I stopped trying, and that is when I figured out a lot of life's hard lessons. Some people just aren't who they present to be and no matter how hard I wanted somebody to be kind or good or honest or real....wanting it just didn't make it so.
The neighborhood I grew up in was established when we moved in. While I knew everyone (or most everyone) I still didn't quite fit in. I was the awkward, ugly girl who lived on the corner. My parents were old and my mom was mean. I couldn't have friends over because my mom never cleaned and I just didn't know how at that point. Friendships were hard to maintain when it always seemed it had to be onesided and I couldn't give what the other kids did to the equation because my home life was just so weird. I was alone a lot. I learned to sew and read to fill the time when the loneliness set in.
I did a lot of dumb things to fit in. I have regrets. I have grown. The growth and self realization has made me who I am today. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I have. Some have come and gone, some have been constants and some are relatively new. The ones that have gone I wonder about occasionally. Did we drift apart? Did something transpire that I am unaware of or maybe just forgot? Did we outgrow each other? Some have even come and gone and returned. I like that. It reminds me that sometimes things aren't what the may seem or what we have conditioned ourselves to believe because it is convenient or expected.
I am happy with my life and the people in it and the people that are a part of it.
January 22, 2009
Where has the time gone?
Posted by Leigh at 12:04 PM
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5 comments:
So glad to see a post again! Was wondering if you had given up on the blogging thing.
And for the record...nobody actually has a NORMAL life/family. Mine was and is just as strange as can be. I've also learned that people rarely ever change their nature. Mean kids grow up to be mean adults. Whether we were happy, shy, insecure, or whatever, as a child, we tend to carry those same character traits with us into adulthood. But some do learn to take those childhood experiences and use them as just that, experiences. Hopefully learning to be better, do more with their life.
I guess that explains why on the outside I appear self assured and confident and on the inside I am still aloof and see that ugly girl in the mirror.
Welcome back! I've been checking frequently to see if you posted something that didn't update on my blog list.
I can totally agree with Suzee about that whole normal family life. I think that our childhood prepares us for our future and what we do with those lessons are another choice we are free to make.
Fortunately we get a new day every morning to try again.
Each of us looks in the mirror and sees the "ugly" kid we once were. We do grow and appear confident and beautiful to the world, it's then up to us (our adult self) to reach back and love that little girl we used to be. Old wounds run deep, though healed on the outside still sting way down somewhere!
You just have to learn to look in that mirror and say "I like the woman I am! I don't care what anyone else may think!"
Suzee, you are right about the mean kid growing up to be a mean adult. Do you remember the meanest kid on the block? I came across her at work when I worked for the county's behavioral health authority. She was more than mean, she was mentally disturbed as well. A very scary woman.
I mostly like the woman I see in the mirror. Sometimes life happens and I am taken back to that place of being the ugly girl and I get stuck there. Thanks for all of your kind comments. It helps to remind me that I do like who I have become.
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